Mouth Dash™ — The New Food Delivery System
Remember when eating involved cooking, conversation, and vaguely knowing what you were putting in your body? That era has ended. Welcome to Mouth Dash™, the logical endpoint of modern food: industrially engineered, algorithmically optimized, and frictionlessly delivered straight to your face. No farms. No kitchens. No rituals. Just calories—fast, oily, sugar-saturated, and scientifically irresistible. Food, finally, as a service.
Mouth Dash doesn’t sell meals. It sells mouth-compatible nutrient experiences: ultra-processed compounds engineered for maximum satisfaction per bite. Each product is reverse-designed from user data—fat for fullness, sugar for dopamine, salt for “just one more.” Ingredients are no longer wheat, meat, or vegetables, but flavor systems, binding matrices, stabilizers, emulsifiers, colorants, preservatives, and shelf-life enhancers. Hue is optimized for appetite. Texture is chemically guaranteed. Variation is eliminated. The body gets calories. The brain gets stimulation. This isn’t cooking. It’s manufacturing.
Our kitchens look less like restaurants and more like pharmaceutical labs. Inputs arrive as syrups, powders, and pastes. Anti-caking agents keep things flowing. Stabilizers ensure nothing ever changes. Artificial coloring ensures every portion matches the photo, regardless of what’s inside. Mouth Dash’s real breakthrough isn’t food—it’s logistics: algorithmic forecasting, automated assembly, predictive inventory, frictionless last-mile delivery. You don’t make food anymore. We route it.
The app knows what you want before you do. It tracks time of day, past orders, stress levels, location, even the weather. Feeling tired? More fat. Feeling anxious? More sugar. Paused too long? Push notification. “You loved this last time.” “Trending near you.” “Don’t miss out.” Choice is simulated. Habit is engineered. Your order arrives warm, fragrant, perfectly colored, and ready for immediate solo consumption. No table. No plate. No pause. Just mouth.
Delivery is fully tiered for your lifestyle. Standard users receive the Funnel™: a hygienic mechanical interface for rapid, hands-free ingestion. Sit. Tilt. Consume. For premium members, we proudly offer HandFeed™—our white-glove service in which a uniformed attendant places each portion directly into your mouth, maintains reassuring eye contact, and offers gentle affirmations about “optimal pacing” and “personalized nutrition.” It’s dining without dishes, intimacy without relationship, and care without connection—for customers who want to feel special while being efficiently refueled.
Our plans are simple:
Funnel™ Basic — $19.99/month
Hands-free delivery of optimized food compounds. Minimal chewing. Maximum efficiency.
Funnel™ Plus — $39.99/month
Priority routing, enhanced flavor profiles, and exclusive color variants.
HandFeed™ Signature — $199/month
In-person feeding, personalized pacing, and a complimentary affirmation script. Because you deserve to feel seen while being nutritionally processed.
Don’t take our word for it:
“I used to waste time cooking. Now I just tilt and receive.” — Mark, Funnel™ Plus
“HandFeed™ makes me feel cared for without the burden of conversation.” — Anonymous, Signature Tier
Mouth Dash™: Because chewing is inefficient.